Surviving & Thriving: My journey to self-love
(CW: Sexual abuse)
People often ask what 'body positivity' means to me and the answer has simply always been 'self love', not just for yourself but towards others as well. It is about self-acceptance and respect regardless of your shape, size, age, sexuality, background, ethnicity, physical abilities or gender (or gender identity) It is about lifting each other up and never shaming another to validate oneself. That to me, has always been the definition of body positivity. I will say I have moved away from the term and these days favor ‘Body Neutrality’. As with most things the body positivity movement became somewhat toxic with its message to HAVE TO radically ADORE every part of you, which is simply not realistic. You can have body parts that aren’t your favourite. The point here is that you are more than your looks and still worthy of respect regardless. We all know that finding confidence can be a rough road sometimes; It is safe to say that most people have something they dislike about their bodies.
A lot of people prior to hearing my story have this pre-conceived idea of who I am and are often surprised to find out that my upbringing was not all that rosy. I did not grow up with any special privileges and came from a broken home in the north of Amsterdam, The Netherlands, with an unstable mother who was physically and emotionally abusive. My parents split up when I was around 5 and I spent my childhood moving back and forth between my grandparents and mother. At the age of 5 I was molested by a close friend of my mother, a person she considered a 'brother' and I had to call 'uncle'. The abuse went on for 2 years and I was manipulated into silence and shame and struggled with this well into my late teens.
My grandparents were my saving grace and they eventually gained full custody over me when I was about 10. I broke off all contact with my mother a few years later and haven't seen or spoken to her since. Though I struggled with feelings of guilt initially am so thankful to have given myself this freedom. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is cut toxic people out of your life, especially if they happen to be family.
High School was another very difficult time for me..I was bullied severely and often ate lunch in the bathroom stalls to avoid confrontation. I was extremely desperate as a child to make friends. In my despair, I'd often try to 'buy' friendship by giving stuff to other kids in the hopes that they would befriend me...Of course I'd only end up being used and made fun of even more. When I was 14 I was overpowered by 3 older boys in the same bathroom that provided me with my 'hide-out' and sexually assaulted.
I remember the jokes very clearly about how I wouldn’t be fat anymore once they were done with me and how they needed a bag to cover my ugly face.
I ended up dropping out of high school and struggled with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I still battle depression to this day but have come to terms with it to the point where it does not control my life and I’m able to function, I always say I don’t fight with my demons anymore, we hang out and we’re cool, like semi-dysfunctional roommates..Mental health is still such a stigmatized subject, I truly believe representation is key which is why I’m so open and happy to discuss it. The thing I have come to learn the most is that it's OKAY to not be okay sometimes.
I became a lover of art in my mid teens and became immersed in painting, sketching and writing. I was a daydreamer and loved anything creative (and still do!) I started working at a local hair salon as an assistant at the age of 15 and attended Cosmetology school to become a make up artist.
I've always been fascinated by make-up and cosmetics growing up and was (and still am) heavily influenced by Film Noir, B- Movies, Vaudeville, Comics and Gothic Novels.
I began doing make up for photo shoots and started experimenting with photo shoots myself at the age of 15 as a way of self-expression and rebellion. These shoots were gore filled horror tributes with not an ounce of glamour in sight. I was not ready for glamour. I wanted to shock and create characters as far from my own persona as possible, to escape.
Continued below
Above: Some early modeling work in my late teens
At the age of 17 I found myself ready to actually escape, I packed up my bags, bought a 1 way ticket to London, England and never looked back..
I felt like I had just given myself a fresh start to live by my own rules . I continued modeling and slowly started my horror to glamour transition and began to feel its liberating effects. To feel in control of my sexuality and sensuality was something special and new to me.
As my confidence and business grew so did the criticism and the hate mail. There were times when I found myself in tears because of some stranger’s words. I would later learn that no matter how perfect, beautiful or popular you are there will always be someone out there who will hate you for it and started to live by the motto ‘what other people think of you is none of your business’
With time my modeling transitioned more and more into a message of self-love. I came to understand that happy, confident people do not bully others which helped me see these people in a different light and let go of any malevolence I was feeling towards them. See the thing is, there is nothing wrong with you or your body. Our looks do not define who we are. We are not a ‘before and after picture’, we would not be more beautiful if we lost some weight or ‘ate a cheeseburger’. We are fat, thin, tall, short, lean, curvy, athletic.
We are all real, unique and perfect in our own ways. Don’t let the pressure of society cause a divide between our unity. Our lives are not a beauty pageant and there are infinite ways to be beautiful.
Your body and health are no one’s business but your own. Live by your own rules and do what makes you happy. Stop scrutinizing every inch of your body and start appreciating yourself as a whole human being from the inside and out. Don’t discredit yourself by thinking that your appearance is your only worth.
Find the things you love about yourself as a person first and celebrate the wonderful being you are because you cannot measure your spirit, heart and soul on a scale.
Much love,
K.D
Photographer: Jamie Edgar